It sounds like you are trying desperately to make sense of something completely senseless and to intellectualize it so you can cope. Also, perhaps it is a coping mechanism to help desensitize you to the enormity and reality of what happened. By exposing yourself to it repeatedly in film, on screen, via media you are able to see it, but still feel safe and in control, wheteas during the actual crime you may have felt quite the opposite.

Please know that I can relate and what you are going through does not sound weird or strange at all. Many of us here can relate. You have support. There are all sorts of ways we try and have tried to make sense of it and cope in order to move past it.

But you have experienced a great trauma, one in which you cannot manage on your own. It is impotant to work with your T on trauma work and recovery.

When you are ready, I urge you to speak with your T about the about this. You have experienced an enormous trauma. You deserve all the love, support and compassion that you so richly deserve so you can truly heal.

Hugs to you,
Rose