Thanks for your insights, guys. This really helps give me something to think about. It's weird, though, because I just feel like I can't put any words to the sadness.

I can't deny that that would be nice. But I definitely would never expect it. And I have a policy of never letting myself want anything I can't have. (I know...probably not the healthiest way to be. But for now it beats the alternative.)

Nope, that's not it either...at least I don't think so. After my initial anxiety, I mostly just forget about her till she comes back. I mean, I was glad she was back, because having someone to talk to just eases the pressure sometimes. And I do like her. (Well, really, it's more than that. I'm in T mostly for issues related to my mom, and I know there's all sorts of transference I'm trying to avoid.) But I feel worn down enough by T's lack of maternal-ness that I don't expect anything special. Again, I'd definitely like it. But I never expect it.

I do get this. I don't feel abandoned by her, per se, and I can recognize the importance of her taking breaks. And it's not even like I feel like/focus on my life still sucking while she's away. But there's some sort of discomfort I feel about starting back up again. I always have trouble being vulnerable with her, but definitely moreso when she's been away.

I guess what puzzles me is why it doesn't happen until she's back. I mean, I can see feeling sad while she's not around, but if it's not that the reunion wasn't what I wanted, why would I feel sad?

I dunno. But I really appreciate you all trying to help me figure it out. Thanks!