Hey

I agree and disagree with you on your points. Of course people can lift you with their words of encouragement, and yes, they can help you feel some self-worth if in a relationship, but you were missing the point I was making by saying to take time out, to learn to like yourself.

You say that you dont tell your dates about the self-harming, anger. depression and suicidal thoughts - but am afraid you'd have to be a robot not to give some negative vibes out, even if unconsciously. It would be near impossible tbh. The way you act, your body language, and even how you respond will all give you away to a certain degree. This is when you get to the horrible catch 22.

People are always attracted to people with confidence - its how we are built. Sure, when you get to know and love someone, its easier to deal with any faults, but at the beginning, before emotional ties and effort has been made, we nearly all shy away from people who are giving vibes of not being approachable or depressed. After all, why as people would be want to add to our own troubles by taking someone like that on?

To give you an example of this - a dear friend from childhood told me that she spent years being angry with me because when we were teenagers I was the person who everyone flocked to - men wanted to talk to me, women wanted to be a friend. It wasnt about being any better than her, in fact she had many many more wonderful attributes than I and boy does she have a brain on her! But it was because I always wore a smile, I was always warm and friendly. It didnt harm that I was a punk at the time and wore bright clothes too! But I said to her that these people always talked to me not because I was better than her, but simply because I seemed confident, whereas she used to sit in the pub corner scowling. She looked 'dark' and unapproachable. She did actually see my point and agreed with me. I learned at a young age to like myself for what I am - nothing amazing - I am not clever, amazingly attractive, rich or anything like that, but why put myself down when there are hundreds of folk who'd be ready to do exactly that?

You speak about your friend lifting you over your photography - thats wonderful! But dont you see something? It was your own confidence that made you think you were rubbish at it, and this is wrong. As a photographer myself, I know how hard macro on insects is and if you'd had a little confidence in yourself in the first place, then you'd not need the reaffirming that you seem to desire. People can lift you, and its a wonderful feeling, but you shouldnt spend your life needing someone to tell you that you're doing alright to the degree you seem to. People can be an absolute ***** too and what would've you done had she said your photo's sucked? To her it might've been a throwaway comment, but to you it would've been devastating. Can you not see how it would be wrong for anyone's words to affect you so much over something you love to do?

My original post was to try and get you to see that you cannot live your life through other people, you cannot expect to get your happiness from others. It is actually unfair on them - they are not responsible for your happiness, although of course, good people can add to it. What I was trying to say, is to take time out, do everything in life that you love, learn to deal better with let downs and enjoy and celebrate all your good points. Enjoy that you are a great photographer, enjoy knowing that one day you will be a catch, and a lovely partner. I promise you that if you do these things, and learn to like yourself for who you are (and put the bad things about you into perspective and accept that everyone is human) then you will feel happier. WHEN you are happier, other things like dating and confidence will get better and much easier.. I know these things are hard to grasp, nothing in life that is worth it is ever easy, but it will get better.