Purple, what if you try focusing on the little things that can be changed? You can't change all that happened to you in the past or the fact that it still affects you - that would be like telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer - it takes time and it takes treatment, and abuse (including sexual abuse and emotional abuse) causes physical changes in the brain that could be seen if you looked with MRI. But you can work on some of the things that interfere with your relationship. Talk about what you and he would like to be different in your behavior, and work on specific things, such as you could work on trusting him more or agreeing on what you and he will do if he is not home when you expect him to be.

Another thing that jumps out at me is validating emotions. We don't choose to be upset or choose our emotions - we just have them, and it is how we feel. When you were upset about him being out later than you expected, that is an emotion, and it sounds like you were trying to explain to him that you were reacting more to your past than to what he did. That is really a good start - letting him know that you are upset, but not mad at him for what he did. It doesn't change that you were upset, though, does it? So the next step is to accept that emotion. You were upset and that is okay, and makes sense in light of your past. It doesn't have to be bigger than it is, and in time it will be easier to deal with triggers like that and they won't upset you quite as much. The other side of it is him being upset that you were upset. The same thing applies. He has emotions too, and his emotions also need to be accepted for what they are. It doesn't mean that you did something wrong if he is upset, it is just how he feels. His emotional reactions also probably have a lot to do with his past experiences. Everybody has schemas. What would it be like if both of you could say, "ok, I'm upset and you are upset, and it is how we feel, but we are not mad at each other and this feeling will come and go like all feelings do?" (or if you are mad at each other, that is just another feeling, and it will come and go too - just don't do something that you will regret when you feel that way).