I am depressed again. Or simply exhausted. Or both.
I was doing really well with T1 and then there was that break with no T for a few weeks. I was doing everything i could do to keep it together. Worst part was that I was triggered horribly and T1 just wasnt available so i tried to manage on my own. I have been pretty much been warding off those awful low feelings and trying to stay positive.

But i cant fight it anymore. Too many triggering events have happened since that initial one and i have slipped. I have had only one session with T2 so i am holding so much inside

I try to focus on the positives, tell myself other people's bs just doesnt matter, eat those grapes, but i am tired.

I am taking a personal day today to try to sleep, rest, rejuv and try to get myself together together enough so I can just show up...suit up and show up. I woke up so miserable this morning thoughand the thought of just getting ready, driving the hour and half + to work seemed too overwhelming.

Although i did receive some lovely notes and posts here that made me feel supported and definitely not alone. Truly greatly appreciated. Such a nice way to start a rough morning with some help from my PC friends xx

But...I am feeling sad and exhausted. No motivation at all. And under that i am feeling incredible resentment and frustration and self hatred. Maybe though it is self pity. I am forced to face major humiliations and triggers simply by being in the office. It has begun to represent more pain than joy.

I am so so tired. I thought i beat this with T1. Yet, sadly, here I am. Again. And T2 is nowhere in immediate sight. Another 4 days of waiting. Waiting to talk to someone IRL that can provide encouragement support and feedback. And who hears me and listens. I dont have anyone else in my real life like that .

Not one person. I feel alone too. IRL alone.

Thanks for reading xx