Thank you for replying. I genuinely feel I am being as honest as possible about everything.

-I have spoken to her about my recent suicidal ideation and tell her about my self harm.
-I tell her that I have spent most days recently crying on and off.
-I tell her I feel stuck because I want to talk to my friends on the phone but I don't feel able to as I am too tired to do pleasantries and I can never be fully honest with them and so that is exhausting.
-I tell I am doing what I am currently (self-punishing/self-critical voice) because I have always used that method to keep going before and I don't know how else to retain any semblence of a life. And how important it is for me to try and keep something together when I've lost so much.
-I tell her how much I need to kick-start my life and how much I want to be able to be with friends and not have to always hide away.
-I tell her I try and be less judgemental of myself and use mindfulness to create some space between me and my feelings so they don't constantly overwhelm me.
-I tell her that I need help/methods/techniques to keep myself safe and try and bring about some raised spirits.
-I have emailed and told her that I really want her to see and hear what I am saying and that I am desperate.

-I sit in therapy and cry with tears rolling down my face saying 'I don't know how to go on'.
- I have brought books that she has suggested into therapy in the hopes of going through them and getting advice.

May be there is nothing she can do or say to help me? I'm starting to believe I should just shut up again because it seems like nothing I say seems to make any difference to how she treats me. May be I'm expecting too much?

She has given me mindfulness books to go and read and distress tolerance chapters of the DBT skills handbook and I read them and try to use them but it is hard to do all on my own. May be I am just being weak. I know I shouldn't self harm, I do know distraction ideas and I do try to use them except sometimes I get so demoralised/angry I can't see why I am trying so hard not to. I know it is my responsibility to keep myself going and she can only turn up and be consistant week after week to listen and help me to 'untangle it all'...but what happens when I can no longer take on that responsibility to myself?

I cry in therapy and although she is so kind and caring, when I leave I am sometimes in a worse place than when I entered. I am at the point where I cannot decide if therapy is helping me. Yes it is good to have a space to talk and be real with her, but shouldn't therapy be helping my real life? I have talked about all this with her too and she simply says that she can't make me continue with therapy but that I do find it useful as I do keep coming....and I do but at what cost?

I'm sorry again for the long, long splurge. I need to get it off my chest.