i've read that attachment stuff and the avoidant one fits the most but still not entirely. certainly there are signs i had no attachment - i was in ICU and incubated or in and out of surgery for around 2 years after i was born and my lack of attachment to my parents is obvious to everyone. i like them, as people, but any physical contact just freaks me out, and always has. but then, i wouldn't say i was particularly troublesome at junior school. although mum said they took me to endless child psychs/docs because my behaviour at home was terrible, i never slept (and still don't) and i wouldn't attach. the idea of even a kiss goodnight would make me go all weird. but mum said i was very sociable with total strangers in hospital and when they left me i would just wander to random people and act with them like most kids would with family. i never thought that was weird but now i can see it was a little.

when i got older, i still hated physical contact. i wouldn't say i idealise my parents but i do admire their intellect, even while hating the family connection. even now, at 30 (minus a month) i can't bear doing family stuff, i feel pressured to be on my best behaviour. you know how "normal" people feel when they go to some old aunt's birthday and they feel they have to make an effort to talk to everyone in proper language and be all prim and proper? i feel like that around them, which is silly, but i can't help it. it's like they're strangers. i get on with them, intellectually but that's it.

i can't do physical contact with anyone, even my best friends. i wouldn't say my friendships are characterised by isolation or jealousy, not my good friends. maybe with acquaintances tho, like if i'm at college i often feel quite left out. i always thought that was silly. hmm.