that is the question. It is strange... When I couldn't have it it was something I fought for... So hard. Now I have a t... I'm wondering whether it is helping me to see her... Or whether it is harming me to see her.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go burning any bridges. I guess part of it is that she is a nice lady who is trying to help - which is terrific, don't get me wrong. But there are lots of nice people in the world who try to help. On internet boards, for example. So what is she giving me that I can't get from boards?

I know what kind of orientation I think I would like. What kind of t I think I would like. But that isn't on the cards. She is nice but I don't have a whole bunch of hope that she will help me with terrific insights. And she wants to talk rather than reflecting me back which kind of doesn't exactly help me come up with terrific insights either. Half the time... She doesn't really seem to be understanding what I'm trying to say... What is going on. She reflects back... And I have to try again to explain. And we aren't doing the best on that score.

She is nice but... Maybe she is keeping me wallowing in my sickness... I don't know. I guess I need to talk to her more and try and figure out some of the miscommunications.

Like her scheduling me in at 8.30am. I said I wasn't a morning person but that actually that is the best time all things considered 'cause I won't be missed from work and because it will get me up and at 'em right at the start of the day and cut short my couple of hours of ruminations...

She keeps saying 'is it too early for you'????? I'm starting to think... It is too early for her. I asked her if it was and she said 'no'. But then she seemed really a bit peeved I missed my last session (mixed up the time). I think she was trying to get at me... No, I don't think I'm being paranoid. I don't know. I don't know that this is working out...

She is lovely...
But...
There are lovely people on internet boards, so what is the point again?????

And really... If I got what I wanted re: therapy... I think I would get a whole heap worse and not be able to function.
So... Maybe the whole therapy thing (maybe the whole thing of my wanting a therapist) is really more an expression of my pathology than anything else... My wanting something I cannot have. And if I were to get what I think I want... Then... What would happen with my functioning? I think I would be so obsessed with me (more so than at present even lol) that I wouldn't be able to get my work done...

Sigh.