Wow, you know this is shocking, but I know that this should have definitely been said. I think allowing yourself to let this out will benefit you.
Okay, well I will definitely say there is not an evil inside you and that what you've done in the past is in the past. Of course you regret this, we all have regrets.
Another thing is if this is whats happening to you when you are drunk then I strongly recommend not drinking. Drinking brings out apart of yourself that you despise then please do not drink anymore. For some people drinking brings a life to them, for some it brings numbness, and for a small amount it brings out a different person (like abusive husband who are only abusive when they drink).
If this is truly affecting the way you perceive yourself then healing needs to happen. I recommend going to a therapist and discussing these issues and what you need to do to accept these horrible regrets and move on. You will be free from this if you do.
I really hurt in my heart from this story. I've done many dumb things on alcohol in my past to that I'm so ashamed of I would never admit, nobody knows, not even the people closest to me. I personally did not vent this but I have accepted them and moved on. I accepted the fact I made a mistake, and I knew it wasn't who I am today, so I let go.
I hope you find peace with this.
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