I couldn't get to sleep last night -- couldn't turn off my head. One worrisome or disturbing or angry thing after another kept popping into my head. I finally got up and came out into the living room (at 3AM) and sat on the computer for a while. I always know I'm depressed when insomnia sets in. Got out of bed this morning very cranky. Yelled at the cats (poor things). Been doing that a lot lately.

Had the runs again today (AGAIN) - another symptom I get when I'm depressed. Been crying on & off, too.

The thing is, I feel more angry than depressed...with a touch of despair thrown in, just to keep things interesting. I'm taking L-Tyrosine, GABA, 5-HTP and SAM-E. They DO help me to feel a "bit" better, not as overtly depressed, but still...

It's the heat, and being stuck in California, and learned helplessness, and unemployment, and wrenching my back every 2 weeks, and...and...and...

The eternal question, of course, being -- WHEN DOES ANYTHING EVER GET BETTER?????????? I'm not getting any younger. I don't have all the time in the world! It's not like I'll be depressed or angry for a while, and then get better and I can have the time back that I lost being upset. Once these days, weeks, months, years are consumed by anguish and over with, they're gone. Sand through the hour glass.

I bought a wall hanging at the Ren Faire years ago. It seems to describe my life. I'll bet other people can relate to it, too. It says:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Some thing to be got through first, some unfinished business; time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that those obstacles were my life."

Sigh...