I understand the feeling of wanting to stop but not wanting too. It has been a feeling that has haunted me for eons. Why should I stop? This is what I have asked myself over and over again. There are three answers that I have been given by non-injurers but they don't hold any salt with me. How can they tell me why I should stop when they have never taken a blade to themselves? How dare they make me feel like...how do I say this without cussing? How dare they make me feel like the stuff on the bottom of my shoe when they have never felt the need that roils through my body?

But I do want to quit. And this is why. I want to quit because I want to feel. As long as I cut I will never be able to feel because I will continue to block out those feelings that hurt and frighten me so much. I will continue to run away from them and never work through them. I will never be able to be whole and be free from the monsters that inhabit the back of my head. That is why I want to stop. But I don't want to face those monsters. They scare me. They make me want to hide behind the pain then the dissociation.

I know this isn't a lovey dovey peaceful hold your hand reply. I am sorry for that. It is just that I truely hope you don't cut tonight because if you can keep from cutting tonight you will be on step closer to being free of your monsters. If you do cut, they will still be there for another day and hopefully together we can make them go away forever.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft