I told myself I would NOT let my feelings for my T interfere with my session yesterday! I succeeded fairly well, but I don't know how to get through this!! I've never felt like this about my other Ts. It's much worse. I looked at her and it was like being 11 again, the starting age of my crushes. She looked so pretty to me that I couldn't stand it. I don't know why I react like this. I'm so embarrassed!! I didn't tell her this time, except when we talked about my feeling fat and ugly. I said she was thin. But I couldn't look at her because of the way I felt. I guess it was like being in love. And loving her. And feeling the connection. And knowing how much she likes me. I got through it and know I have to accept my feelings. But it hurts to look at her! I tried to keep my eyes closed a lot and that helped. It's not a sexual thing I don't think. I don't know if it's transference. I can't stand it but I have to!

No other T or person in my life has gotten so close to me. She truly wants to know me and to help me. I wish she weren't so pretty. Maybe I'm bisexual or why would I be so attracted to her looks? Or is it the whole package deal? I like when she doesn't look so good and those feelings aren't there. I'm going to have to deal with this. Repeating myself. What can I possibly do? Yes, I have my life but T is there, smiling at me. That's good and makes me miserable and good at the same time. Sorry for this pathetic post. T wants me to do things for myself, not just for her. Working on all of it, despite what some of you may think. I think the car accident messed with my brain.