I'm thinking about stopping my antipsychotic; the one (aripiprazole/abilify) that almost completely stops my auditory hallucinations, and has few side effects, if any. Mad, right? There's this logical part of me that sees that stopping it when it's working so well is a stupid thing to do, but I have this feeling that I *have* to stop it. It's been creeping up on me for a few weeks now and the feeling is starting to override the logic. Every night it's a daily battle with myself to see whether I will swallow the pill or not: it's exhausting!

I feel so guilty for everything. Every tiny thing that's bad in the world that cannot even possibly be my fault, I feel guilty for. Mostly I feel guilty for existing when others who deserve to live more than I do are dying. Maybe that's part of the reason I want to stop my antipsychotic? Because if the voices come back to berate me for every little thing I do wrong, then somehow my guilt might lessen because I'm being punished in some small way. They were always right about me: I am a horrible person.

I'm not having a good time of it lately, but it's been worse this week. My family's away on holiday and so I'm isolated and staying in bed more and more. They come back on Friday and so I'll be up and pretending everything is fine, but it's not; not deep down. My parents will be cross if I stop my antipsychotic. So will my pdoc. Is that enough of a reason to keep taking it? IDK...

Sorry, I'm just rambling because I'm feeling lonely. Ignore me

*Willow*