Warning: Triggers Warning: Triggers
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I have had one heck of a day today.

At work, I fell into a similar pattern with one of the residents (disabled, elderly man). I was just being friendly to *Joe. Joe always says that he'd like me to visit him sometime so we can talk. I'm not against that idea. I enjoy talking with the elderly. The conversation quickly went down a familiar road for me ~ in which he's asking why I'm not still married. He doesn't understand how my marriage could have ended. I'm a very good looking young girl, my husband should be holing on tightly to me, etc. I then explained to Joe that my ex and I grew in different ways ~ shrugged my shoulders slightly ~ that's the only explanation. Joe grabbed me by the hand and said that he would always be there for me. Not in a sexual way, he says, but as a brother. So, Joe presses on asking about our sex life. I told Joe that I wasn't real comfortable talking about that with him. However, I'd already shared the my ex and I weren't on the same page sexually. I know ~ dummie!! Joe kept holding my hand, and then put his other hand up high on the back of my thigh...all the while telling me how pretty I am, and how much he wants to help me through this difficult time!

I managed to wiggle away from Joe, and assure him that I would come visit this weekend since I work anyway. Stupid! If I were smart, I would have told Joe to back off, that his behavior is inappropriate. Instead, I lack the ____ (something!) to be honest with my emotions. I can't find the reason for me allowing Joe to touch me like this. I was very uncomfortable, but I'm afraid to speak up already. UGHHH!

To make my day better, my girls finally got back from Ca. and they were set to come over tonight to spend the night, visit, and celebrate Kyra's 10th birthday. She was in Ca. with her dad and my family (that I don't have anything to do with anymore). I had baked and decorated 2 dozen cupcakes, had her birthday gift, and set out a bunch of books that I bought for them while they were gone.

Kyra barely touched her cupcake, then went into the bathroom a moment or two later and asks me to follow her into their bedroom. Big tears in her eyes, down her cheeks, and she tells me that she misses her dad. He'd just left 15-20 minutes prior! Kyra goes on to say that she feels real guilty for celebrating her birthday without him being present. "You were WITH your dad on your birthday, Kyra. I haven't seen you in weeks!" Tears are running down my cheeks now ~ my heart down in my tummy. Then, I feel bad because my pain is making her feel worse ~ so I have to stuff it inside of me. Great! We go back out to the dining room, and I try to move things on to the card and gift. She whizzed right through it, didn't mean a thing to her. To make matters worse, Lena (she's 7 going on 17!) says, "That's it?? That stinks." My eyes welled with tears again and I was SO hurt. I put a lot of time, money, and thought into the gifts. Lena had eaten part of her cupcake, then rolled it up into a messy napkin ball and threw it away.

I then let Kyra put the Mary Poppins movie on and went to my bf's apartment upstairs for a box of Kleenex. I bawled my eyes out up there! I just want the girls to go away now. I know that sounds mean or cruel, but I am so hurt!! I can't stand the pain of me giving my all to them, it not being appreciated whatsoever, and then hearing how wonderful everyone else is. They were just out in Ca for almost 3 freaking weeks ~ 3!! They didn't miss me at all. They never called or wrote to me, despite me doing both to them a few times. F'ing cruel! I know that kids don't have the ability to realize that their actions can really hurt other people's feelings, but COME ON!!! WTH wouldn't wonder if this was going to hurt me a little bit?

I can't stand it!!! I can't wait for a few more years to pass before I can end this meaningless life of mine. This is just unbearable for me. I am dreading my day with them tomarrow, as I know they will keep pushing me. What are we going to do now? What now? Push, push, push... all of the while not appreciating what I've given them. It feels like complete disrespect to me. But, I'm not a real good judge about that kind of thing. When I was a kid, you sure didn't act this way around your parents, elders, or other adults. You show respect and follow the rules, otherwise you're getting a whooping! So, I have a real tough time making appropriate rules, privleges (sp?), and punishments. Lost is an understatement.

Shez