My problem has been that my children 21, 19, and 16 use my illness as a further way to berate me, and treat me horribly. I feel like my bedroom is the only place I can work and have any peace. Unfortunately my only furniture is a bed in here--besides dressers. It makes my lows very hard, and to keep up with my work impossible.

Right now I had better get better than now because I will be back to work full time at the end of August, and have to look sane and capable even though I am falling apart. I am considering suicide at this point. Behind on bills, disrespectful and cruel children, and my only support system a long distance boyfriend. I am in that horrible dark place, and cry for long periods of the day. I keep hoping for the manic phase to come back at least for some feelings that are better. I cannot take this any more. I take care of them like I am their maid, but it hard to keep up when I am chased back to my room over and over again. I need to focus. I need more help. Maybe I need to go back to the hospital even though I hated it there and it made my kids REALLY MAD that I was there. They call me a nut job, a crazy person all the time. Swear at me and scare me. It is a nightmare. I want to just run away or die, and my work, well it is total hell and I do it to keep the tuition benefits. Really lost right now...