I have a dear friend. She wants me to go on vacation with her. But my experience from our last vacation was unpleasant. I don't know how to tell her this honestly. She keeps asking me over and over, and tries to convince me to go, but the reasons I don't want to go with her would be hurtful to her, so I just say "no."

I don't know exactly what goes on in her mind, but some of the things that happened on vacation were:

1) She only wants to tan. I am sensitive to sun and have also been taught not to tan due to skin cancer etc. Plus, I find it boring sitting in the sun, doing nothing but soaking in rays for 8 hours a day.

2) She kept complaining about everything. The room smelled. The water smelled. She would not drink the water from her room. She went to the upper deck to get water to drink (it's all from the same source!). She woke me up to have me smell something that was bothering her which was preventing her from sleeping.

3) She was sick. Maybe she was, but I didn't see any evidence of her being ill, and she kept complaining how sick she felt. She would not go on any shore excursions because she was either: 1) sick, or 2) it was too expensive. I believe she convinced herself of it and used it as some sort of excuse to not spend money on any night life or daytime activities.

4) She would not spend any money. She was obsessed with how much everything and anything cost. Anything that was an add on to the cost of the cruise was out of the question. She ate the standard meals (if she could tolerate the food of which she was very critical) and freebies, such as ice cream. Although the "water made her sick" she would not spring for bottled water. She would not participate in any shore excursions or shopping. She spent her time questioning the charges on her room bill by constantly going to the concierge desk to question things. She needed cash to do laundry (on a cruise!) but would not pay the ATM charge, so I finally gave her money after I paid the ATM charge.

5) At one point we had free time before dinner, so we came to my room to sit on the balcony and have drinks. I had gone on a shore excursion, and because she was "sick" she stayed behind on the ship and did laundry (it was smelling up her room, she said). So I had a bottle of wine, and thought we could relax and chat on the balcony, but no. She had to fold her laundry....

I would love to tell her the truth: that if she was willing to spend some money on extras (like to have a cocktail or do a shore excursion) or do something other than tan, that it would be more interesting for me since I didn't come along to do things by myself. I want to tell her that I wish she could relax about the cleanliness and smells and convince her that it's really ok and we will be just fine. I want to say that I think her anxieties were making her "sick" and if she could just relax, we could have a good time. But she is extremely sensitive about anyone commenting on her phobias and sensitivity to germs and smells. She wears her frugality like a badge. I want to say "save more money so you are able to do more" rather than listen to her whine about not having enough money and how her ex husband cheated on her and all she has now is a part time job to get by (get a full time job!). Although she is grugal, she'll buy herself an iphone or other high end type of item when it is important to her. I don't understand the extreme focus on cheapness - it was actually embarrassing in several situations.

I also think maybe therapy would help her. I don't understand what her underlying issues might be, but they seem extreme. But I think she would be very offended if I suggested therapy. She is a good person and I really like her. I believe if she realized some of these things were causing people to distance themselves from her, she might be willing to talk to someone about them.

Does anyone know someone like this? How did you discuss these things with them? Is there any way to bring up the subject so that it's a productive conversation? She wants a relationship, and so do I, and I feel that keeping my concerns from her is somehow being dishonest, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She has "issues" with her family members along these lines as well...and she has shared with me how hurt she has been by some of their comments. Yet she doesn't seem to recognize anything about her own behavior that might cause others to stay away from her.

Sorry this is so long...advice appreciated.