I hit myself in the head so hard the other month I ended up with a minor concussion. I was trying to get my brain to work. This is why I was punching my head. I just wanted my brain to work. I get sick and tired living with my brain and coping with its bazaar antics. I am so angry with how my brain distorts everything. So sick of hearing the same old crap spinning around in my head. Interfering with everything. Alienating me from the world. So tired of reframing and re-aligning every thought I have. i just want my brain to work properly or to stop working all together. To stop torturing me. I just want it to shut up. I am punching at it to try to make it shut up. The rage is always targeted at my brain as though it were some cancer I needed to rip out of me.

The concussion was a bit of a wake up. That was extreme. I need to find another way to cope in those moments. There were times where I would egg my ex on to see if I could get him mad enough to hit me. I used to do that to my dad. When I made them snap I was happy. How sick is that!