At this point in my life i really dont want to express how i feel, because i know noone will understand. But im sooo tired of crying.tired of feeling alone. tired of not being about to find help. for i know no amount of help will really understand. And i dont have the money for visits. or meds. My heart aches constantly. It gets so bad that it hurts all over. including my stomach.and every day i have this terrible burning disire to feel pain.Not internal pain like my stoamch hurting, but pain that i cause myself. Sometimes i want to scream for no reason.But i know it wont help. What bothers me alot more is the fact that i let it get this bad. And im always saying that its all my fault my marriage went bad. but has never really given a reason. But honestly my reason is because I cant make MYSELF happy.So what makes other people think i can even handle keeping my marriage strong. I never admitted that... because like i said. noone will ever understand. Sometimes i think i cant do "this" anymore, because of that reason. i dont want to be included in a family i dont deserve. I cant even smile because it hurts. I dont even have the want to talk abou it with the people who surround me. they r always saying "cheer up" or "stop being depressed". they dont understand i CANT help it. its not my fault. this buggs ma ALOT. One last thing i quit wearing this "mask" just to try to be happy on my own and not fake it. But i cant anymore. I just cant be happy and i cant get over this depression. I think ill go back to the way everyone expects me to be.