Thanks

Just having an extremely hard time right now. I've been hearing screams suddenly out of nowhere. I went to my psychologist on Wednesday, who said I was manic, which might explain why it's been so bad lately, but I feel like I have hit a brick wall now. Everything's bad to me.

I am a bit upset because all my friends went to Prom on Thursday night, and I was hallucinating too badly to even bother with it.

I missed my doctors appointment Friday to talk about meds because I couldn't get out of bed. I just sat in bed, thinking about everything, and listening to the noise in my head.

My psychologist is happy that I have enough logic to realize now it's not real, that it's in my head, but it's debilitating. I can't even explain it. It's hard to find words.

With everything thats happened, I have a right to feel sad I think, but even with everything bad that's going on, there's so much good too. Again, can't find the words.

I am tired of this. Up and Down, all over the place emotion wise and amongst it all, the only thing thats remaining the same is the noise.

I start my full-time summer position in a week... so I basically have a week to get my %#@&#! together. I don't know what's going to happen. My fear is that I'll end up like I did last summer - pretty much in a comatose depression.

I don't even know if I am writing this in the right place. I am so confused. I guess maybe part of this post should be in the "bipolar" section, but the sounds are bad. My worst fear is seeing what I saw the first time I hallucinated.

I saw myself, hanging from the ceiling for a week straight every night when I was lying in bed. The week after that, I started being able to smell the death. It scared me so much, it got to the point I felt like my dead body was egging me on, and I actually started talking to it. It was keeping me company.

I haven't seen it since, but I fear I will get so far into my depression that it will happen again. I can't afford to be in hospital with all the work I have to do, so I don't know. I have no idea where I am going with this.

I guess I am scared.