Rainbow, do you think you are able to get anything positive out of T when you are struggling so with this?
You say it is not getting better, it is only getting worse. This has been going on for a LOT of years now.
When are you going to change it? Yes, when are YOU going to change it? It is not T's job to change you. It is not your job to passively sit there and wait to be 'changed'. YOU are the only one who can change you.
I wonder if you want to change at all. You have said, over and over that you do. Yet all your actions over the last few years (that I am aware of) serve to keep the pattern intact. Sometimes I feel so frustrated by your posts because it seems obvious, to me, that your actions and decisions serve to keep your pattern intact even as you try to tell us otherwise. Your defences and denial are so very strong about this, Rainbow.
So, what do you have?
Well, you are unahppy. Your marriage seems unhappy. Your relationships with friends and other family members seem unfulfilling and rather empty as well.
You have your T. You have your dreams and fantasies of your relatonship with her, which always seems to go through the same phases of idealisation and let down. You coninually build the relationship up in your mind and when you inevitably bump up against the limits of the therapeutic relationship you are devastated all over again. This happens over and over again, and has been happening over and over again for many, many years, with different Ts.
You can keep doing it if you want. If you like you can hang on to the scraps that Ts will throw out to you, and never give you more than you are currently getting. You will always go through those cycles of ideation followed by the devastating fall. If you want, you can act out this pattern for the rest of your life. You've done 20 years of it - what's the harm in continuiing for another 20?

This is a really sad way to live, Rainbow.