Thanks so much ATG and DSF and dogtanian, and the rest who replied before too, or even if you just read. It really feels good to have someone care about me and take my side. I should have come back and posted an update to this thread. My world got turned upside down and I couldn't even decide where to post about it.

I did go to the workshops and they were wonderful, with lots of applications I'll use professionally as well as personally. I've really been into learning about attachment, and the workshop on that was pretty amazing. I could see myself, my parents, and my parenting style in what was presented in the workshop. A lot of what I saw was not pleasant, but at least I understand it better than I did.

I gave my neighbors who watched the kids some money for whatever expenses came up. I felt like I should have given them more, and T would have certainly said I owed them more. When they said they would return what they didn't use, I said I wasn't expecting anything back. So they took my kids clothes shopping. (T asked what about my kids made them feel like they needed to do that.) They also came to my house and got the kids' rooms cleaned out (something I wasn't able to do because it made me too mad when I looked at what was in the kids' rooms). It was very nice of them, but also embarassing that they felt like they needed to do that. Being confronted with people not thinking that I provide for my kids adequately has in the past pushed me over the edge to literally wanting to die, so I was terrified of what they would say, and what T would say about it. It turned out not so bad though, and T didn't make me feel bad about it - she said it was the time to be thankful for generous neighbors, and also to reflect on what they saw to feel like needing to do what they did.

The other thing that turned my world upside down was that while we were out of town, my husband interviewed for a promotion and he got it, so now we have to sell the house and move. I think I'll refer you to my blog for more on that http://ddiamond.net Moving has been the story of my life, and we were only here for 2 years. Sometimes it is like I run away once my public image starts to fail and people can see who I really am. Next time I hope I can be more real, and also be more like who I want people to think that I am.

I really am not a good mom, and I couldn't handle being a homemaker full-time. When we moved here I re-entered the workforce and became a workaholic. Getting back into school was part of it too. I think I needed to do that, but I took it too far and have still been running away from living my own life. I will need to work after we move, and also continue school (I can transfer to a campus there). But this time I am hoping for more balance.

Moving has always been a huge disruption and I've had a hard time with it. Especially losing contact with people and having no continuity in my life. I can't tell you how much it means to have friendships that are not dependent on location in order to maintain the relationship. It's like now I have a lifeline when I didn't before. I don't have to completely start over.

Thanks again,
Rap