Thank you everyone... all of you. I'm not insulted by your honest opinions in the least -- instead, I really appreciate them, because I am friends with all of you and I know how hard it is to give a friend an opinion that might hurt them. But really -- I'm not hurt -- you're all voicing the same things that I've been thinking and growing increasingly resentful about.

He's not depressed right now -- I never said he was. He has struggled with severe depression in the past and is definitely prone to it, but I haven't seen signs of it so far (his eyes are typical giveaway -- they go flat). This isn't a problem of his depression this time, but I can see it devolving to that.

I attribute it to a few things:
1) I make enough money to easily support us both, therefore he doesn't feel any sense of urgency as his lack of income doesn't make a huge dent in our home economy. However, I never agreed to provide 100% support for him and I resent that the default is that is exactly what happens... because I can't figure out how to set things up otherwise. We don't split the refrigerator into "my half" and "his half"... so what do I do?

2) Anxiety on his part. It sounds like an excuse even to me, but I know that he wants to work and that he's really happy when he's working. He didn't lose his job because he wasn't dedicated. But, gosh we just had this converation last night - he is STUCK in terms of career direction. It doesn't seem that complicated to me but he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know how to decide and he always has a reason (not a good one, IMO, but a reason nonetheless) for why my suggestions won't work for him. He really freezes and becomes deer-in-the-headlights paralyzed when it comes to discussions about his career and what direction it could take. I feel bad for him, because it can't be a good feeling. And please don't suggest that he see a career counsellor, or volunteer, or go back to school, etc ... I've tried them all but he really seems panicky when it comes to signing up. It's insanely frustrating for me... it just doesn't seem that hard to do but he sees it as insurmountable. He's his own biggest enemy and obstacle.

3) Lack of marketability. He made it fairly far through an engineering program but struggled through the higher level courses, refused to get help, got very depressed and just stopped going to classes or leaving our apartment. He now has this huge fear of starting something and failing (I can't relate to how he sees this as failing, but he does) and his work experience to date gives him very little to market himself with outside of retail. YES, I have pushed for him to go back to school, but while he agrees with it in theory, he procrastinates and refuses to sign up, even if I'm hovering over him saying "ok, let's just get this done so we can all relax and move on". I don't get it. I feel extremely defeated.

We were up until 1am last night talking about all of this. He's come a long way about learning to communicate his feelings behind all of the issues above, but he still gets defensive and reacts largely like a teenager. I hate it because it feels really manipulative.

Again, I agree with all of you and I am certainly at the point of frustration where I would gladly FORCE him to do something, but how do you FORCE an adult peer to do something they are seemingly terrified to do? I don't have any qualms about how I'd handle this with a child, but he's an adult.

I should add one last note - he hasn't exactly been laying around prior to the last few days -- he really has worked hard on house projects and I remain proud of him for that. But, we're past the deadline and I don't care if the projects are unfinished -- I just want him to stick to his agreement to move on to career planning at this point. And as furious as I was about the bike riding day, I do acknowledge that it is good for him in several ways -- should he slip into depression again, I want his friends to stay involved with him because I don't want to be saddled with being the only person who tries to rally around him. The other reason is because exercise and fitness are extremely important to him and it is good for him to get out there and do it -- mountainbiking is more than just a social thing to do -- for both of us, it can be very meditative. So, I'm not excusing him, but I do see some benefits to his going yesterday, even though it pissed me off and it certainly is not what I would have done in his situation.



Thank you all for listening, caring, and helping. I really, truly appreciate it with all of my heart.