(((clouds_and_sun)))

Yes, I've always had major problems making friends IRL. I typically avoid even trying to join a discussion or say "hello" to people. I guess that my history of a lot of negative experiences almost all of the way through school (from K-7th, and then 10th-12th grades) didn't help much at all. We moved too may times & I went to a new school for each grade. From beginning to the end.

Anyway, along the way, I've accepted this behavior of mine at work. I am a BIG believer in giving your all to your job. So, I work at a nursing home, part-time, feeding residents who can't feed themselves. That's a one-on-one thing. I can do that. Most of them don't talk, or they only talk about simple things. I can also accompany them to doctor's appointment's, to hold their hand in support. But, that's my job. Over the years, I have become emotionally attached to several elders. And it always pushes me deeper into my depression. That's hard.

I'll talk about *Joe to staff, to make sure that his needs are met, but no making friends with co-workers. I never have been able to become friends with co-workers. Bf's were always clients of mine, when I was a waitress & they'd sit in my station repeatedly. Now, my current bf lives in the same apt. building as I do. An apartment for disabled. I occasionally bake things and give them to neighbors ~ that's how we met. My bf is the opposite of me, very outgoing & always has been! A couple of his friends are friendly with me, but that's kind of buddy, I think.

That's my experience. I'm pretty much alone in the world ~ other than my T and psychiatrist, but they get paid to listen and talk to me. I therefore take what they say my positives are with a grain of salt.

Online, I try not to talk about my own problems too much. I HATE the thought of pushing others online away with my complaints about life and self-hate. Frustration with the crazy world ~ drives me INSANE!! I can't stand it. It makes me very angry and hopeless, feeling that the good in life is quickly disappearing. Depression boots back in again. UGHHHH!