I've been at my job for about a year and a half. This is the first time I've had a job that leaves me with money leftover after I pay my bills. What a weird feeling this is.

As great as it is to finally make decent money for where I live, I'm not happy.

Part of it is my usual job-hopping tendencies. After a year, I get bored at a job. The longest I've ever stayed at one job is 3 years. Really liked that job and actually used my degree at that job, but I suddenly quit.

The current job is with a fabulous company, great ethics, treat employees well, excellent benefits, above average pay for where I live.

But I don't understand some aspects of my job. It gets into some techy (almost IT) stuff, which I have never been qualified to do and have never been interested in.

I've been reprimanded and almost fired 3 times and feel like I'm getting dangerously close to #4 and possibly they'll do it this time instead of warning me.

I can't get things done fast enough.

I lose interest.

I daydream.

I don't pay attention.

They have to explain things to me more than once.

Other times, I zoom through my work so fast that I make mistakes and spend so much time going back to fix them that it doesn't matter that I got it done before deadline.

I decide to change procedures because my way will be better, but I still don't know my job well enough (really high learning curve at this place) to know what I'm screwing up. Then I end up with a supervisor acting as mediator while the person who trained me tries to explain why I need to do it his way and not my way. But I'm so hell-bent on how much better my way is than his.

The list goes on and on.

I'm going to try to keep this job as long as I can because the medical insurance, short-term disability, and long-term disability insurance are all excellent.

My goal has always been to freelance (writing, proofreading, etc.) on my own and get enough work coming in that I can work from home again. I've branched out and tried this a few times in my life. It hasn't worked so well in the past, but I feel like I've learned from my mistakes. I need to stay forcused instead of going back to bed for the entire day. I need to get clients instead of talking about getting clients. Stuff like that.

But now I'm wondering if it will even be possible for me run my own business when I can't even get my head screwed on straight.

At the pharmacy the other day, I asked for a list of what my meds would cost if I didn't have insurance. A couple of prescriptions were $4 each for the month, but the Abilify was $680. Can you believe that?

So if I do branch out on my own, I'll have to make sure I have enough work coming in to handle $680 for Abilify each month, unless my RX gets changed to something cheaper.

Yikes!

Now that I look back at my job-hopping and getting fired often history, I can see where my illness has caused problems.

I've told myself that it was all because I'm an entrepreneur at heart and we don't do well working for others. Maybe that's true. Maybe I really could run my own business successfully. But I think a big part of it has to do with bipolar.

I've read a lot on these forums about people who have qualified for disability. That's something I had never thought about. Didn't know bipolar people had that option.

But then I'd be back where I was a few years ago, without a job, and without insurance, and unable to be treated due to the cost. I'm just now coming out from under that and getting treatment for the first time in about 20 years.

I suppose I just need to calm down and not make any big decisions until I'm actually seeing a psychologist to talk about things, and have a psychiatrist working with me on my meds. So far, it's just been my regular MD. We're working on getting in with a psychologist and psychiatrist.

Sorry. I'm just rambling now.

That happens more often lately because my kid is grown, enjoying this new freedom of his, and that means I spend A LOT of time alone while he's out with friends. Part of me is glad he's having fun and become such a great young man. Part of me dreads the day I become an empty-nester.