Thank you all for the input. After our last attempt to discuss this with her (which ended with her sobbing and screaming and repeatedly banging her head on the ground) we really had no choice but to back down. She is very intelligent and understands her problems on a very high level.

Self loathing YES. I had not connected the self hatred dots to self sabatage and poor relationship choices. We will have to consider that as part of the equation also. Early in all of this she would self destruct before any job interview. The chance at sucess and moving forward in life was not deserved in her mind.

She has had alot of therapy inpatient but it hasnt gone well out patient. She got in a tiff with her last therapist over her psychologist. The therapist demanded a different one and lots more drugs. We will search for a new one. IMO they all seem to go off in the wrong direction. She has BPD at the root of all this. Work on that.

The good news is she has a renewed self esteem thanks to her efforts in AA. They even ask her to run an occasional meeting and that means alot to her. I think shee is crediting herself for the effort and thats a good thing. She's also starting a new job on Monday after a really good working interview a few weeks ago. That working interview boosted her confidence to a level we have not seen in some time.

Thanks again for the input.