So my family got back yesterday from their holiday. It's been nice so far and I'm not fed up of them yet! lol Mainly because my little siblings have been out at a party most of today. Went to a summer fete today and had coffee with my parents to catch up, which was very nice, especially with no annoying children around.

Today was going well, until my Mum read in the paper about a young guy who died in hospital of dehydration, because none of the nurses would give him a drink, no doctors acted on his high sodium blood levels and, when he got aggressive (a sign of major dehydration and high sodium levels) they just sedated him and stuck him in a side room, where he died. The level of incompetence is astounding, even to me who didn't even finish medschool! The stupid thing is that I feel incredibly guilty about his death, like it was me involved. I know that I would've been a crap doctor and done stupid things like this and so I'm feeling guilty for all the potential deaths I could've caused had I graduated. I know it's silly to get so upset when I'm never going to be a dr now and can't make deadly mistakes...but I am

Last night I was totally convinced that stopping my antipsychotic is the thing to do. I mean, why would the voices exist if not to punish me?! I still feel guilty about my neighbour's suicide attempt months ago when I was called upon to do CPR. Did I do the right thing? Maybe she really wanted to die? If I'd been faster getting her down and better at CPR, maybe she wouldn't have brain damage? I felt all this at the time, but thought I'd 'gotten over it' - now with my guilt about every bad thing in the world, it's coming up all over again. Also I wonder if I pushed her to do it - you see I think about hanging myself all the time and my bedroom is next to hers (we live in a terraced house) and I just keep thinking that she picked up on my toxic energy and got my thoughts in her head, and that's why she did it. And I feel so guilty Plus the other week a friend of a friend, who I didn't know, died of undiagnosed heart problems playing basketball. This fit 19-year-old just dropped dead, and I just feel guilty that I can't swap places with him so that he could live. I don't even want to be here and I'm squandering this gift of life that was so cruelly taken from him.

I'm such a bad person

*Willow*