Sunrise, what interesting thoughts! My questions wouldn't stop where yours do though I am not sure you would have disintegrated like you felt you might? I don't think one can know what would/would not have happened on a road not taken? I think because you figured out a good outcome for yourself, that that was what was therapeutic; even if you had done as your T suggested, as you said, you could not feel that and so I don't know that that would have helped you like doing something you, yourself came up with.

Interesting, your choice of words, "disintegration" and "showy"? Your disintegration reminds me of when one is having a "good" cry and it seems like one's heart will be broken and then, eventually, it just ends and one feels better and doesn't know why? I think that is a disintegration/re-integration of sorts? If I used a word like "showy" I'd want to search and make sure I didn't have some unconscious connotations that were helping/prohibiting me from a "spontaneous" behavior? For that I think of people who do not "like" to cry so work hard not to. If you do not want to engage in "showy" behavior, you probably won't; it could actually be "showy" or it could be you make that word up to help you stay away from a behavior you believe will be detrimental to you (disintegration).

I think a lot of our behaviors and word patterns, etc. are our defenses in action. Defenses are good; the bad guys don't score if we are well defended :-) but learning to have flexible defenses, reeds that bend in the wind instead of tall, shallow-rooted trees that get knocked over is my goal. I think the more we understand ourselves and our own responses the more flexible we are and better able to "field" the ball when it is in our court.