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Originally Posted by Aprilshowers1979
Thanks for the replies! I def am very emotionally damaged by this relationship. And yes, my self esteem was ripped apart. I am getting better with that as I do have some wonderful people in my life that love me. I struggle with trying to figure out why he would do those things to me, as I was the one he loved more than anything. And if I got sad and cried, he seemed to get even madder. It was so strange. But for some reason I feel like he has some power over me. I still get weak whenever I see him. We had a VERY strong physical connection, and I still think about that often. I was always a strong opinionated woman, but he hated that. He was stuck in some egotistical frame of mind where the man is the sole decision maker and I had my " womanly" roles to fulfill. If I disagreed with anything, it was hell. ( driving erratically to scare me, yelling, name calling, making me get out of the car in a random location, threats, always ending the relationship and taking everything so I have nothing) I wanted to go visit my mother while she was camping and he said no. I said, um yeah I'm going. He took a fuse out of my car so I couldn't drive. Then he took away my necklace that he had just given me for my birthday and said I didn't deserve it and returned it to the store. So many mean things, and yet I always took him back. Sometimes begging him! I get angry with myself but it's true!
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Hey..
I dont think you'll ever know the reason why he did those things to you. And if you did, I dont think there would be any reason that would make sense, or even 'reason' what he did. His behaviour was pretty darn awful, and for that there is no excuse. One thing for certain is what he showed you was not love and no matter what he said, actions speak louder than words.
The fact that he would treat you with cruelty, and you begged him to come back is classic victim behaviour. Something I dont think you should ever worry about, or blame yourself for. You most certainly shouldnt beat yourself up over it. Think of yourself as almost suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. You put all your own needs, thoughts and feelings aside for survival, trying to never set him off. Victims of abuse become preoccupied with the needs, desires and habit of the abuser and it becomes so all-encompassing that your own personality and self-belief is shaken to its very core. It really is little wonder that 3 years on, you are still very much effected by what he has done to you and I would say that was totally normal. You say that you are still weak when you see him - try and keep away. Or make sure you never see him alone, take a friend for support and strength until you start to feel stronger.
I think you'll always think about this, how could you not? But I hope that one day soon, perhaps with help from a bit of therapy, that you will see that you had a lucky escape, and that you do deserve so much more and find a bit of peace within. I hope too that you know that nothing, not a thing you could've done would've changed him then or in the future - he is broken. I do believe from his behaviour that things would've turned violent eventually, and am so pleased you got out of it before it did.
Hugs x