Hi Bethy,

When I read this post, it brought back all the things I went through with my own mother just about 1 1/2 years ago. She wanted to be in her own home so bad, I think she manulipated everything to get her way.

I know you have probably read everything I went through with my Mother. Initially, I tried to find someone to stay in her home with her. Then came the RN & I am sure you remember that trauma I went through. The other issue that has to be looked into is whether the house can even handle the daily care that is needed. I know that my Mothers toilet couldn't handle all the messes that had to be flushed. Her laundry couldn't handle the level that was required. When I finally had the perimedics take her to the hospital after being OD'ed by the RN, I told my mother that there would be no chance of her going home again. He house rejected her because of the overflows that happened.

If I had known what the Dr's & social workers had told my mother before the RN got into the picture, she never would have come back to her home & the RN would have never been in the picture. The worse part of it all is that I resent my mother & am embarased to have the feelings that I have for her after she died. I hate the situation she put me into because of her desire to be in her home. She never thought that what happened could happen to anyone that wasn't rich, but it did. The worse part is that they don't realize what they are doing to us, the people who care about them.

Use your best common sense, & if the your dad needs 24 hour/day care then he belongs in a care center. They aren't anything like they were in the past. As a matter of fact, if my mother had been put into the nursing home that she ended up in, she would have been much better cared for & I would not still be dealing with the nightmares & horrible memories that keep haunting me.

Your father needs to realize that he is not the only one in the center of the universe & he needs to know what the options are & what the consequences are for each option. With dementia/altzhiemers it is hard for them to think logically, but it never hurts to try. Don't hide from him what would happen to everyone around him if he insists on being in his own home. He needs to know how it will effect you & your own family life. Just be honest with him & don't try to hide the truth. I know for me, the whole last 6 months of my Mothers life was nothing but lies by everyone involved with her to the point that hospice care wasn't even brought into her life until 5 days before she died. It is important to talk to his Dr's, social workers, therapists, etc. to find out what care they know he needs & don't let him pressure you into anything else. We as children have to be as tough with our parents as they were with us when we were growing up.

I know this is a very tough situation to be in, but you need to do what is best for both you, your family, & your Dad.....no matter what he wants. I messed up with my Mother & learned from what I did wrong. I am having a hard time forgiving myself & can't forgive my Mother at all. Sometimes it seems like whatever we do is wrong, but there is usually a best choice when we work through our options & listen to the caring people that have been caring for him.

Take care of yourself & your family....talk to your father about the options & the outcomes...that way, he will understand the logic behind your decisions......like I said, be honest with him.

Debbie