Thanks again everyone. I am going to seek out a therapist. You're all right..I need it. I have a wonderful caring nurturing man in my life now, and I'm still dreaming of a happy life with this abusive ex, a life that could or would never possibly exist. I have held back with the new man, it's hard to love again. Finally here comes the perfect guy, and I'm not emotionally ready. Hopefully therapy will help. Already on antidepressants for quite a while.