My T has mentioned the idea of taking an anti-depressant. She obviously thinks this is in my best interest. I can't seem to open my mouth and talk to my sister or pastor about this conversation.
When I walk over to the hospital to see T, I sometimes catch myself thinking of myself as a mental patient. My agency doesn't seem to use the word client. We are all "patients" to them. AAAAA! My T mentioned that I may have injured my brain when talking about anti-depressants. My insurance once tried to compare my talking to a T to getting a broken leg treated. I don't like to think of myself as ever having had or currently having a mental disorder. I mean I'm not exactly mentally healthy. But, I am not mentallly ill. How does one take a drug for a mental health reason and not think of themselves as mentally ill or nuts? AAAAAAAAAAAAA! Is this just a part of my annoying habit of taking negative emotions and denying them?
I feel like a hypocrit because I am studying addiction counseling. Yet, I automatically think of myself as nuts if I need a T or drug. How do I find a more reasonable way to see mental disorders in relation to myself. I don't seem to have the problem when it comes to mental disorders in others. But, I can't seem to stand the idea of me having a mental disorder. Why didn't I figure some of this stuff out in 1993 (Dysthymic Disorder)? I didn't like his "theory" but didn't quite consider if a diagnosis even though I took benefit from our talks. I couldn't consider the idea that a PhD doesn't present theories to clients that they have a mental disorder without it being a Dx. Why do I stick everything in denial? Why must I wait until it is probably called depression? How does one get their inner T back on-line? What does it take to get a positive thought out of my little scrowny mind?
I think I might cry myself to sleep tonight. Sorry about the rant. I have been working on a timeline of the past to share with T. I haven't shared all of my odd denial abilities yet with her. But, she knows that I can deny almost anything.