All I know to say to you right now is that you are not alone. I do not want to say anything about things that are phobias for you. But you will have to face the phobias to get the help you need.

I know about the feeling you describe. I've been there. Most Dissociative Disorder folks have had those experiences.

I have learned to reach out to my alters and validate them for the job they do for me - after all- they came into being to help me. I comfort them, and reassure them. I ask them for assistance when things are too hard for me.

I found out that I have a helper on the inside that I did not know about. Perhaps you could look within and ask for help and see what happens.

I'm thinking of you, and sending you some happy energy. Peace to you.