I've written previously about my strong attraction to and deep feelings for T. I felt for about a year that I was really in love with him and had non-stop obsessive thoughts about unfulfilled longing of wanting to be with him. After much soul searching (mostly done on my own through writing) I came to terms with the root cause; that it was related to childhood SA by my father and lack of emotional connection to both parents, and life-long feelings of not being worthy of love. We've been doing some really good hard deep work since I revealed all of this to him. Our work has really moved forward.

In addition to providing therapy, he also offers a monthly meditation and spiritual growth class, which is held in his home. His office is also in his home, in a finished basement with a separate entrance. He has been very guarded against self-disclosure of any kind, so I know relatively nothing about his personal life. He asked me awhile back if I would be interested in the class, since these are very important areas for growth in my life, so I agreed. The class is promoted online through a website, and people who want to join can post their pictures and write comments. So I saw the pictures and little blurbs about who would be there and thought nothing of it. Fine, these (all women) look interesting, looking forward to the class.

So, I show up for the class and a woman introduces herself and I recognized her from the website. Through casual conversation I soon figure out that she is T's live-in partner. He never introduced her as such, just left it for me to figure out. I found this difficult, I guess because I was just resolving these huge transference issues and felt a little blindsided that T didn't let me know the woman he loves would be there and that might be challenging for me to deal with. I wrote him an email telling him I thought it was insensitive that he didn't share with me ahead of time that I would be meeting the woman in his life. I had to deal with them making loving glances at each other all evening. I just wish he had given me the heads up so I would have been prepared, since he was initiating there being a dual relationship. He doesn't quite get why this was hard for me and thought I'd have figured out he lived with someone because once in a while there's another car parked there, and that I'd be interested in meeting her! Thought this was a little narcissistic, but anyway..

I feel so stupid, so adolescent. I'm in my fifties for crying out loud and happily married. I just still feel so fragile with all of this.