People in my life growing up vacillated between being okay and being abusive (although even in their okay times, it was often a ploy to lower defenses in order to deeper abuse). Due to that, and the dissociation making me not feel very much a part of my own life, and probably a myriad of other things, I tend to experience similar.

When I first started going to T, I didn't even realize I was so disconnected because it was just how I always was. I didn't know it was different or abnormal. It wasn't until after several years of therapy that one time I realized that I was completely present (I didn't realize that is what it was until later). I don't think it lasted very long, a few seconds maybe. But it was as if someone took off blurry glasses and I could "see" clearly. It wasn't the actual seeing, though that is affected at times as well for me depending on the situation. It was the clarity, the knowledge, maybe not all the emotions but at least a glimpse into something like that.

Even though it was kind of fleeting, it was an amazing feeling and has stuck with me even after all these years.

From then on, I worked hard to try to replicate it. I wasn't able to do it consciously, but I was able to start recognizing how I felt when I wasn't there 100%. Over time, I started feeling that more, but only in T's office. I guess because over the years she became an amazingly safe person for me.

As the years have gone by and I've experienced some healing, I've gained more awareness of those times. I think it's a good first step (or it was for me at least) toward healing. My T always said awareness is the first step to healing.

All that to say that I understand those feelings. I'm not sure if mine come from fear of abandonment, fear of abuse, fear of rejection, etc, but I do think it's a safety thing.

When people leave my life, I tend to dissociate them. I also dissociate people in situations. I remember the event or situation but have no memory of some people that were there, as if they were photoshopped out of my memory.

My T and I have become very close and if she left my life, it would affect me greatly. But most people in my life, when they leave, they just disappear. I don't know that it's that I don't care, it's more that my brain just takes care of it to protect me from being hurt.

Not sure if any of that made sense. I just want to assure you that your feelings are okay to have, whatever they are. There are reasons for it, whether it be from abuse, rejection, dissociation, etc. In time, I believe, you will gain more awareness of when it happens and when it doesn't.

Please take good care and try not to be too hard on yourself. Things just are what they are sometimes and being hard on ourselves about them just reinforces the negative stuff.