I need to let some things out for a minute. A lot of things have been happening in my life. I have shut out everything in my life because I'm so unhappy. I have never been more down in my life. I moved here to the UK 4 months ago to get married and I should be happy because I have a great husband who cares about me more than anything, but I am miserable. I think it's just because I miss my grandma so much. I can call her anytime I want, but it's not the same as being able to see her. She is getting very old and I realize that. Her time here on earth is precious and limited. I wanted to be able to have that time with her. Now in time I can fly back to the states to visit, but it's not like I can stay. I also miss my parents even though they made my life a living hell for the past year. Now that I've moved to the UK I have no family around. It's hard. I want to start a family of my own, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. We need to be financially stable first. I love Anthony more than anything and would do anything for him. Our marriage is good, though it's had its ups and downs lately. But....all marriages go through there times.

Second, I am so upset about my weight. It has gotten so out of control. Because I am homesick I eat, so I've gained a tremendous amount of weight. I have suffered from anorexia/bulimia for the past 11 years. It's hard for me right now, because I want to be anorexic again so that I can be thin. I have been going to pro-ana sites for awhile now for thinspiration. I know it isn't right, but I can't help it. I want to feel ok with the way I look. Right now all I feel is fat. I look it too. My husband loves me for me and says I'm not fat, but it's hard to see past what my head tells me. My body image is so distorted that I don't know if what I'm seeing is really fat or not. Most likely not, but I can't believe that right now. I am not happy with me. I don't know how to get happy either. It isn't just as simple as exercising and eating right. I've tried that. The weight is just not coming off. I am wondering if my meds are the problem. I had also taken the birth control shot quite sometime ago and gained a tremendous amount of weight from it and now can't lose it. ugh...so disgusted with my body.

Third....I get so lonely while Anthony is at work. I still can't work for 2 more months because of my visa. So I sit here in the flat all day long with nothing to do. Last Monday I took a major overdose of all my meds. I was admitted to the hospital and then released on Wednesday, but only because I pushed. Because of what I've done, some psych team at the hospital is supposed to be taking me on. I don't know when they are going to call me, but I hope it is soon. I am sick and I realize that. My husband is trying so hard to be supportive, but it is ruining our relationship. I want to get better. I really do, but it's going to take time. I am just so lost recently. It's like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I'm just looking for some support right now. I could really use a friend right now. And a hug. Please. I'm in a downward spiral and need to get out of this funk. Please someone give me some advice.