Once I went to a relaxing yoga class. Part of the class was guided imagery. The teacher asked us to imagine that we were in a forest. Oughta be relaxing, right? Not with me. I started thinking back to the times when I had lived in an intact family and all four of us had hiked in a forest. It was not relaxing at all. I became sad.

In another class, the teacher asked to imagine the ocean beach. I had just seen pics of my ex and children on the beach - they had taken a short trip to SoCal. Believe it or not, I started having suicidal ideation right there in that yoga class, with my eyes covered with a silky eye pillow. I am sure I was the only person having suicidal ideation atm and I am sure the teacher had no idea that her words could elicit such ideation. She must have thought that she was bringing everyone peace. Ha! Not with me in the classroom.

I read the forum, read the news, read the Internet, read political commentary, but I cannot read fiction. I cannot focus on the plot - my thoughts drift to regretting my actions that resulted in the loss of my family. The only thing I can read is poetry, in short bursts. Will it ever end? Will I ever be able to imagine a forest without pain and a beach without guilt? Will I ever read a book? I was such a little bookworm when growing up...