So the session before last, as I was hugging T goodbye, she said, "You're such a good hugger." There was this tiny quiver in her voice that suggested something might be going on in her. Now I've talked with her on a fairly regular basis about my crush feelings for her for the last 6 months of the 10 months I've been seeing her, so it stuck in my craw all week that she'd say that to me at all. So this week I asked her if she was attracted to me because I about had myself convinced that this was all projection and wish fulfillment.

She was as forthright as she usually is when I ask her a question and told me that she is very attracted to me on all kinds of levels, that if we had met another way and I wasn't married, she would love to date me, and that, although she is glad she's my therapist, she deeply mourns that she can't have a different relationship with me and has to maintain her therapist role. I talked about my intense surprise at her response since I feel like such an unattractive person, and she said she couldn't imagine not being attracted to me.

We talked about how we have to come to an acceptance of the constraints of our relationship, and I have to allow myself to grieve. We also discussed how we were lucky that our paths crossed at all, and I told her although I grieve a non-professional relationship, I'm deeply grateful that she's my therapist because of the incredible progress I've made with her. She commended me for my courage in talking about this so promptly. Honestly, there was a lot of love and respect in the room, but it felt safe and a bit sad.

It wasn't really until I left that the shock kinda hit. I talked to several AA friends about it, and, although I was really scared of her response, I also told my partner about it. She seemed unsurprised, and was totally accepting and supportive. Score one for honesty. I'm just gonna have to keep my finger on the pulse of my T relationship. If I feel like I'm censoring myself or not getting good work done, I'll switch therapists. Otherwise this mutual attraction might well be an opportunity for growth, and help me become more skilled at being monogamous and having a relationship with someone I'm attracted to.

I'd be interested to hear anyone's thoughts or experiences that might be helpful.