your going through a lot of pain right now, im so sorry. you have suffered many loses, yet your still here, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, i'm grieving for a lose in my life as well, and i am focusing on what i can do for the people close to me rather than this lingering pain i feel. maybe getting yourself busy helping others will get you out of your own head, it works for me, i wish you all the best, and i agree with leed you defintily are NOT meaningless! your worth more than you know. i care about you, hang in there!