...I understand yep, sharing this sort of stuff is like breaking a piece of yourself off and it gets taken away and "we want it back, give it back to me it's mine aaah"

I have been much the same as you described, throughout my life and it forced me to be a loner but my upbringing sort of helped with that still it wasn't easy.

I got really good at nodding my way through people giving directions but that never meant I knew what I was hearing people tell me and the 'drifty eye' was difficult to control cos I am trying sooo hard to focus!! it's bloody nuts! I'm using all my concentration to 'appear' like I'm concentrating ...funny hey? I still do it, I really keep to myself these days. People can notice we are intelligent but then they get let down when we screw up and that hurts.

there is also the little accusatory voice in my head mocking me and setting me up to fail when I'm put on the spot and expected to learn the way things are taught ("you aint listening are ya?...you think this is all stupid hey?...bet you can't remember what they just said? you know it's true, damn you're bored why don't you check the time again! maybe this pen can look interesting again?...oh time to nod again and just agree, thats right nice one!")...classrooms are an anxiety nightmare..

Many times at jobs I never would know what I was meant to do?...just nodding wanting to be left alone to figure it out myself and this is where mania would kick in and I would finish up doing other peoples jobs as well.

..didn't know what to do so just did everything in sight!, then expected to keep that up? nope....then burnout and now I'm rambling ...sorry

I love that...what you say there "scrambled and overcooked thoughts", overcooked....wow! so descriptive, and it's so true.

hey kindachaotic...you write whatever you feel comfortable with....thanks for what you wrote yep

monkey