Where do I even start?

With my previous therapist I learned that I'm not bad, that I deserve to be happy as much as anybody else, and that taking care of myself is not selfish. I stopped defaulting to suicidal thoughts every time I felt really terrible. Edited to add "feelings do not mean you have to act."

Now I think the big thing I'm working on is "love"--how it feels, how to show it, and how to accept it from other people...a while back my therapist stopped me and said something like "That's not love, that's fear. Love is not pain--you do know that, right?" And I kind of nodded awkwardly (like, what kind of idiot doesn't know that?), but later I went, "hmmm."