I wanted to tell him that I am miserable. My anxiety is through the roof all the time and I feel desperate too. My irritability is really high all the time too. I feel as if I'm looking from the outside in and there is this invisible wall keeping me from doing anything about it. This wall drains me and I can't seem to motivate myself enough to get past it.

I've thought about what he said during the whole hour, between my wifes outbursts. It does make sense. He basically told me that he believes I am reacting to the absence of symptoms. I'll explain:

My onset was at nine years old. It was very active and became even more active as I got older. My parents were, and are, careless people who never felt I needed any help so I was untreated until 33. This year.

My cycling is predominately mixed, with some times of pure hypo and stretches of depression. I have been cycling for most my life.

So what he was trying to tell me was that taking that away has left me lost. That I don't know how to feel with it gone, that I need time to adjust to looking at life through these different lenses and learning things over again, this time the right way.

He believes that this is why I am searching for something else to be wrong. Because something is wrong. But he believes it's this.

After running that through my head the past couple of days, I would have to commend him on his insight of me. I believe he is right. But that does nothing to help me now. I can't go to the psychologist weekly till' october cuz that's when the insurance kicks in.

So right now I have resigned. I just want him to up my meds to the point I am overmedicated enough that I don't have to deal with feeling this way anymore, at least until I can get back into weekly psychotherapy. It is there that if there is anything more we will find out. He will work very closely with my psychologist and he said that together they will unravel all the turmoil that I have going on and find if there are really other issues at work or if I just need help with adjustment.

So yes... it's all just a big waste of time. Everything! I took the damn meds to be better. But now that I am I have problems that are just as big! What is it that I was working towards anyways? Is this how normal life feels? What would be the point then of any of this?

Once again I'm dumping on the wrong board. I was trying to answer BlueInanna's question.