Well, it's been some time since I have last posted and about a million things have changed again, which, as per usual, is very hard to deal with.

I've been battling with a BPD diagnosis since early this year and ended up running from treatment. Fear, money, among other things ended up putting a strain on my friendships and relationships, ultimately causing the demise of a relationship with the person whom I had every intention in the world of asking to marry me next year.

I didn't know that I was getting worse, the slide seemingly coming so fast this time has caused many other problems. Relapse into depressive thoughts, SI thoughts, very dangerous BPD beheavior as well. I'm at a point where I don't think that I can make it to my visit to my T. (I'm going back the first time since Feb) I've been urged to go back, my now ex, saying that she would only take me back if I went to the doc again, period. It wasn't fair to either of us for the burden to be placed on her shoulders when she is fighting a semi new diagnosis of being BP. Together we are seemingly complete opposites, one only being able to see in black/white, and the other unable to make choices and always second guessing herself.

I got a bit sidetracked there, my apologies, I just want people to know what is going on as a whole. My question being, when do you know that it's time to check yourself into the hospital? I haven't done anything yet, though my symptoms are getting steadily worse over the last month, the last week becoming hard to even be alone. I do have a history of SI, though the last time I lapsed into that was in Feb, and before that it was nearly a decade of freedom from it's grasp.

I want to get better, but fear the stigma of possibly losing my job if I check myself in. I don't know how long a standard time would be, though I suppose I have mentally allotted myself a week for this. Money is obviously a concern, as it would be for anyone really, but if I can make it and not lose my job, I then have my cat to worry about. I don't know anyone that is willing to come and feed him for me.

I just wish someone could help me. My impulsivity for dangerous things has already landed my car in a ditch (and a bit of back/neck pain) and has pushed the love of my life further away from me to where I don't know if she will take me back, even after she said that she would if I just started seeing the doctor again.

My life is a shambles because of this terrible illness and I just can't keep going on like this anymore. I've had to throw away my sleeping medication, lock away all of the knives in the house and put the key in a bowl of water that I put in the freezer, and limited myself in regards to spending money by putting my credit card in the same iceblock.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about this?