Quote:
Originally Posted by struggling2
Maybe i wouldnt feel so overwhelmed if my mom would've been more available. Then I wouldnt be trying to cram 29yrs of mothering into 50min a week. But is T mothering me or do I just idealize her as that and I have to learn how to mother myself in ways that my mom didnt so i can emotionally function? Im so confused and overwhelmed  |
((((((struggling)))))) To give you a little hope (from a 36 yo). I was exactly where you are a year ago. By working through my anger in therapy and on my own, truly understanding that my mom did the best that she knew how (even if this majorly harmed me and provided me with no role model), and appreciating everything that my T gives me I was able to make it through to the other side. A couple of things that created a shift in my work are:
1) these words from her: "You may never get the mother that you want but you can find people who fill those shoes at times and in different ways. My advisor (who is now a friend) turned out to be that for me especially when I needed someone to believe in me. I have friends who have sometimes mothered me and one therapist who was special in that way."
2) Beginning to forgive my mom--this came as well because she took a little (and I do mean a little) responsibility for how she treated me.
3) Admitting aloud to my T, and saying it several times, that I wish that she could be my mom. Her treating this as understandable and my getting over the extreme embarrassment over it and really letting go in my sessions with my 'embarrassing' feelings/thoughts.
4) Ironically perhaps, her providing me more support and mothering.
I was able to internalize this. There were--and still are some--moments when I thought I was dependent on her mothering and wouldn't know how to do it on my own, but my reflex to call her outside of sessions has decreased dramatically since the fall when she really stepped up this mothering of me.
I make it sound easy, perhaps, but it was--IS--anything but. There were many moments when I thought I'd never get better and felt like I was letting her down. But little by little (sometimes very little by very little), I'm working my way to a calmer, more secure, more independent place. It's excellent that you're questioning and are confused by the whole process--you're not just accepting the mothering as a long-term given. Even when I make progress I fall down and sometimes feel like I'm going backwards (or even back to square one)--this isn't the case. Progress is never linear... Good luck and keep posting!
