I've been depressed most of my life, I am now 31. I have seen countless therapists/psychiatrists, been on many different medications and combination of medications.

I do see a Pdoc, but not as much as I like. I have no insurance since I lost my job due to both physical and mental ills. I'm trying to go on disability, which feels like another failure to tack onto my list.

I had just come off Paxil and I was an emotional wreck for months on end, it also screwed up my stomach, I had to be mindful of what I ate.

I saw my Pdoc a few weeks ago, he prescribed me the generic of Celexa. Told me to start at 20mg and to work up to 40mg. I couldn't handle the 20mg after a few days, it shot my anxiety through the roof and it made my head feel weird. I decided to try half of a pill for a few days and I was still experiencing the same symptoms.

Last Wed. night is when things took a turn for the worse. I was having no problems sleeping until that night. My thoughts went into super villain overdrive. The intrusive thoughts were coming in one by one and I couldn't stop them. They focused on past mistakes I have made that I'm ashamed of. Then came the thoughts that were suggesting I just kill myself. I battled through the night and managed to keep my sanity.

The next day the thoughts were still there and I decided to stop the Celexa. I contacted my Pdoc, and he got back to me through text message. He explained I should cut the medicine in half (which I did) and do that for two weeks, then build up from there. I wrote him back telling him of my experience, he didn't seem to supportive. He said and I'm paraphrasing, then stop if you can't persist, knowing it will likely pass. Then told me I had to get on the waiting list to revisit options.

My depression, when bad usually takes on physical attributes. It feels like this depressive weight is pressing down on my brain. It's the worse it has felt in a very long time. My appetite is also gone, which I never had a problem with. It is now Monday and sleep is still hard to come by, I had to buy a sleeping aid which helped calm the thoughts and I got some sleep.

I've been having thoughts of wanting to die and have thought of ways that I can do it. I told my mom about my recent episodes, shes dealing with a lot to, guilt and depression over my dad's illness. She made me promise I wouldn't do anything because that would be the end of her. I feel the same, if something happened to her. I cry and get upset just thinking about it. I even prayed for natural causes to do me in, at least that would be a bit less painful for people than me just killing myself.

I started myself slowly back on Paxil without my Pdoc instructions, I do not recommend anyone doing this but I was desperate. I have to wait till Aug 13th to see him and its just for 15mins. I needed to do something, my thoughts were getting to strong.

I would actually like to go inpatient but I have no insurance and have no idea what else to do. Talk therapy was never really helpful, I was always open about my feelings. I don't want to go through 30 more years of this, I'm just tired of it.

A bit long winded, if you made it through, thanks!