hi rainbow,

i too am concerned for you about your being in therapy and not seeing any real change in "your pattern". you've been in therapy almost 20 years with no real results concerning this issue. i do think you have made a little progress in other areas with your current T but because your "pattern" is your main issue i have to say that individual therapy really doesn't seem to be working. i do believe there is a part of you that wants to get well, but i wonder if you want it enough to really make the necessary changes.TBA, I don't know either. i think that if you are really serious about working thru your issues you would not do individual therapy because it is obviously too difficult to work through your dependency issues with someone who you will inevitably become so addicted to. honestly, i think you are unconsciously playing a bit of a game with yourself by telling yourself that you are working on your pattern while you are at the same time indulging it. it's just like the alcoholic moving into the back of the bar while lamenting that he can't stop drinking. if you really want to be well i think you are going to have to move out of the bar so to speak. you have tried this most recent T to get over your pattern and according to your OP it clearly isn't working. I have said many times that I'm like an alcoholic when it comes to therapy. But I can't quit my T cold turkey. The thought makes me want to die. Not really, but I'm crying and panicking right now at the thought of quitting, though it's an option.

for what it's worth i believe what has happened to you is that by being in an incubator as a newborn you developed abandonment issues. maybe it was because of those early health issues that your mother overprotected you and didn't allow you to individuate. whatever the reason, she kept you a dependent child with the result being much learned helplessness. while you did gain some independence by getting married, etc. once your mother died you felt abandoned yet again. i don't believe you have ever fully grieved the loss of your mother and keep using your Ts to replace her and continue to be in that dependent place rather than growing up to full adulthood and maturity. I've thought something along those lines too, as the reasons I'm the way I am. My Ts have said I haven't grieved enough, but I did a lot more with my current T. I've written letters to my Mom, made a collage, talked about her, and am now wearing a bracelet I found in my drawer that was hers. My T specializes in trauma and grief, so I'm in good hands there. grieving is a many-layered process and not something that happens in a few instances. also, you need to grieve the loss of not being allowed to individuate as a child. then, you need to learn the life skills you weren't allowed to develop with your overprotective mom. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I HAVE been working on this through the years. You only know what I post. That's mostly about therapy of course. I'm not trying to be defensive because it's just a fact. No one can know us totally from a message board, though you're pretty intuitive!

rather than doing this hard work you seem to want to stay in the womb with a long line of surrogate moms--your Ts. what you had with your mom was not very healthy in many ways and really you need to get angry about that and finally individuate as all kids eventually do when they grow up. it is time to grow up and stop trying to get your T to be your mom. it will never, ever happen. she is not your friend either--nor your lover. your fantasy is just that and no you won't find it out in real life either because it is an addiction. an alcoholic doesn't give up alcohol only to take up drugs. rather, they get sober and deal with why they were drinking and find that real life can be pretty great too especially without all the craziness of the highs and lows.Yes, I get that. I hate the highs and lows but I love them too. I've never been addicted to drugs or alchohol, just Ts! rainbow, it's time to take some responsibility and take positive action to be mature. it's time to stop focussing on and indulging your unhealthy desires and longings. i'm not saying to deny or repress them but not to let them run your life. they are running your life when you say things like you are living for therapy and the rest of your life feels like a distraction. seriously, that is an incredibly out of control place to be. it is time to sober up rainbow!Okay, I may get a little defensive here. Maybe I exagerated a little. I don't live for therapy exactly. When I'm doing things in RL, I'm not thinking about my T. Honestly. At least not in an addictive way. When I'm mindful, or in my yoga class, I think of how she got me into yoga and mindfulness, and I'm grateful. Thoughts like that. It's not always that I think about being with her. I get triggered but not always. Being BPD, I still think in black and white, but it's not that way. Sometimes it is, but not all of the time.

it seems to me that what you need in order to heal is to develop a sense of independence and competency. rather than focusing on childhood stuff, because you've done that, Only with this T I have. I finally got to let the child parts out, so they could say what they wanted and express what they missed. I actually can comfort those parts when I put my mind to it. why not identify what you want in life and set some goals and work to meet them. Do you know how old I am? You probably do. My Mom died when she was 5 years older than I am now. Hopefully I will live longer, and I know you're never too old to change, so I guess that's a cop-out, right? I read that book about the 90 year old changing. I think it was Yalom's book. you have complained your marriage is not very happy so go get some marriage counseling. My H doesn't want it. you want to travel so make some plans to travel and confront your fear of flying.I've been to Europe and other countries, but we don't have the money now. since you haven't fully grieved the loss of your mother join a grief group and listen to others' stories.That's an idea even though my Mom died in 1983! My Dad died 2 years ago and I hardly ever grieve for him either you want to lose weight so join weight watchers or curves. I was in Curves with friends for a few years. you are a love addict so join love addicts anonymous. you are excessively focused on what you don't have so get out and volunteer with those who are less fortunate to give you some perspective and gratitude. My religious community does that but I could do more than what I do. Good idea. what i am saying is there are many, many things you can do besides individual therapy to get healthy that will actually move you forward rather than backward.My T wants me to pursue art because I have a gift and when I draw, I'm in another world, a good place, not bad! i am not knocking therapy but i am knocking individual therapy for you at this point in time. I get you, but I can't quit right now. I know you will say I can if I really want to. you are responsible for your life and you are the only one who can make the changes and decisions you need to make to get healthy. please don't think i'm suggested "busyness" as the answer as i am not at all. what i'm saying is go after what you really want and need in life rather than a fantasy that you will never have that is making you increasingly miserable and ruining the life you do have. it's fine to discuss all this with your T but don't tell yourself that she is unbiased. she wants to help you and you are her paying client. that doesn't mean she is able to help you though and after 2 1/2 years you are more addicted than ever. She doesn't lie and she sees positive changes in me. So do close friends.

lastly, i would suggest thinking about your life and what you will regret having done and not done when you are at the very end of your life. honestly, i think you will regret spending so much time and focus on your Ts. and, i think you will regret things you wanted to do but didn't make a priority e.g. things like not working on your marriage.I know you're right because often I think I AM at the end of my life. I have grandchildren, you know. One of them stayed with me recently and we had a good time!

i think we all want to see you get well and find contentment rainbow but it isn't going to happen until you take your life seriously and act in your own best interests rather than nurturing this fantasy life. you can live in a fantasy world where you will never find satisfaction or you can live in real life which, no is not perfect, but one in which many people find much meaning and contentment. you choose worlds.