I don't like groups of people. I never want to go to family gatherings or any gatherings. I only have 2 friends that I hang out with seperately. One of which is my boyfriend, who I seem to be ruining my relationship with. I'm stuck in a bad situation, can't find a job, hate where I am living, but can't move out.. My boyfriend lives 180 miles away.. I miss him every day, but when he does come to visit I can't spend more than part of the day with him without getting irritable because I feel like I need alone time. I don't know what my problem is..
I can't find the motivation to go out and physically apply for jobs because I believe I have social anxiety, the words won't come out of my mouth and I feel stupid and like a failure when I have done this in the past. I don't like ordering food at restaurants, although I do it because I don't want to look even more stupid. I don't like eating the food, although I do it... I'm just so uncomfortable I get sweaty and shaky, and my mind feels blank... Like every experience is a haze.
I know I need to shake this because my life will not go anywhere if I don't get a job, and I am miserable with my home life, and my only option out is getting a job and saving up. I live in a city filled with gang violence, not to mention that I have lived here my whole life, which my child hood was super ****** so everytime I go outside and see my neighborhood, my past haunts me and messes with my head, making me feel even worse about myself. I have seriously considered just taking my puppy and hitchhiking somewhere new, don't even care where, and hopefully being able to live and find a better, happy place for me. By the way, I am currently collecting food stamps, 200 dollars a month to live off..
I know this all happened because of me, and I accept responsibility.. But I feel like I need help getting out of this, my mind s not right... I also just got diagnosed with Herpes type 2 last week... so that took a lot out of me... "/ I have a vision of what I want my life to be, yet I can;t seem to find the right path to get there... If anyone can relate to this situation in any way, please let me know and tell me how you cope, because I have absolutely no body to talk to, which is why I am reaching out on this website..