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Just me writing aloud my thoughts and feelings, getting them out really. I have hit rock bottom or so it seems. I am at the point of personal despair and self-hatred. It’s doesn’t matter what I do or how I go about things from now on because I know my reality, I know the type of person I am and that’s not a very nice nor good person to be. Even so there is no chance for me to change or ever be anything other than this. For myself personally this is just how things are. To keep trying to go through therapy just makes things worse and each time for myself I just hit back to reality harder with more pain each time I try to better this or think no maybe I can be different or work through this. But I can’t stop my existence or end it …. This I don’t understand. Maybe I am scared of the one thing that would correct this even though this is considered a bad thing. I am scared of a failed attempt at this, surely it would be better to in some sense move pass this from this point and feelings then to have done something and then have to face people and go through this all again with added things to back up the self hatred and negative impact I have on myself and others. Maybe because I want some form of a life but that seems like such a dream and fair tail for myself. There is no way I will ever change the way in which I see the world and other people. There is no way anyone or things would ever make me happy. Nothing can ever heal or comfort me and it hurts too much in trying to care for or be cared by people…. It hurts even more when reality bites you back and they (those who try to care) can’t deal with you because you’re just a hopeless and disgusting waste of existence and a joke of a human being. Why do I still keep living, what purpose I am I living for…. I guess it’s just fear of what would or wouldn’t happen if I ending living. I am sorry maybe, I don’t really know but I am dwelling in my thoughts and feeling that are the only thing that feel right and real for myself even if they are so wrong to anyone else.
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