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TW: sex, rape and self harm.
Sophie was one of the first alters I ever discovered. Before I was aware of my alters, I used to be everywhere. Sometimes I'd be completely obsessed with sex and I loved violent and submissive sex. The day I found out I had alters, that all stopped, and would only happen when Sophie switched out, so I sort of figured that it had always been Sophie and that I had just been switching without realising. Ever since then, I couldn't have sex, it triggered me too much. I couldn't even try to have sexual activity because I was too scared. Until about two months ago. I managed to have sex once. Then about a month ago, I started being able to have sex more and more. Then, I noticed more of her in me...
I could be lying in bed with my partner, and suddenly I'll think "I wish he would just grab me and rape me". This is unusual for me and not unusual for Sophie. She likes these kind of things. Even though I'm coconscious and fully aware of pretty much everything Sophie does, it used to be like there was a barrier between the two of us. Which meant that even when my partner raped Sophie and she was in a lot of distress (she asks him to do these things, it's like a compulsion for her. He wouldn't do it if she didn't want it), I could switch back out and be perfectly fine. But now it feels like the barrier is coming down.
A lot of the things she feels, desire to be hurt, raped, or wanting to sleep around, I am starting to feel these things. And since I've never felt these things, I'm starting to get quite scared. I don't want to be raped, not like she does, but I'm starting to get the urges to do these things.
Does it sound like she's integrating? I really don't want her to. I much preferred when there was that wall between us but I feel like the wall is coming down. The worst thing yet, is that since November I assumed I was on the waiting list for psychotherapy. I was starting to hope that I was nearly at the top of the list, but when I just rang to check, I was told that I was never on the waiting list to start with. So now it might be up to a year or even longer before I get help. I feel so hopeless right now that I've told my partner to stay home, whereas he would usually be over here. I just feel like being alone, and even feel like cutting for the first time in a while. :/
Kaz x
Last edited by FooZe; Jul 17, 2012 at 12:57 PM.
Reason: added trigger icon
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