james, i have bipolar also. it was getting in the way of a successful recovery of addiction. i need to take meds to alleviate those symptoms or i will self medicate with alcohol, or at least in the past i did. sobriety has rewarded me with a successful option now. i call my pdoc and therapist when i am losing a balance of mood. i feel compelled and self aware enough to follow this solution. primarily cause i don't ever want to return to the despair, hoplessness and (possibly) death active addiction assures me.
j, there's no reason to feel ashamed. for those of us who have walked the same path as you we do truly understand. when i finally got sober i realized i had to grow up.
horrors!!!! i had no self discipline. i had no life coping skills. how ever could i be successful? not everyone needs other medical help, ie bipolar, to stay sober. but for us that do it's a double edged sword. in my case i had to aggressivly attack both at the same time or i would fail miserably. towards the end of my active addiction i would
request to be committed to the psych ward. who does that!!!??? i didn't need to be 'dried out' as much as i needed help with fixing my brain first. it needed to be in that order. i even requested to not be released later on to assure that the right mix of meds were prescribed. some meds would have a temporary effect and then downhill i would go again. so my pdoc and T knew my request was a valid one. i had combined my alcoholism and desire to die together. the bipolar "drove" me. i could see no way out.
your recent alcohol blood count was comparable to mine at the end and i weighed 95 lbs. many people die of alcohol poisoning at that level. surely there is a greater plan for both of us. otherwise why are we still here? luck, i think not. an unfufilled purpose, yes.
i hope your willingness to stop drinking,etc. time and again will not go away. to live we must fight back for our very own existance. everytime you fail gets you closer to success. it's the law of averages as long as you get up and try again.
a few thoughts on SUCCESS:
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.“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”~ Les Brown, “Failure defeats losers, failure inspires winners.”~ Robert T. Kiyosaki, “Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”~ Winston Churchill
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on HOPE
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To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”, “Hope never abandons you; you abandon it.”~George Weinberg
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and lastly read my signature by ayn rand. it may inspire you as it did me.
sorry for the long post but i hope some of what i've written may touch your soul. i am here. i will remain here, james.
you are far more special than you realize.