T was on time today. Wonders never cease.

I was pretty shaky when I walked in. I read the Fat Lady thread shortly before going and I felt huge and icky and repulsive. As I walked into the office I was uber conscious of Yalom’s description of a fat woman walking into his office. I was afraid I would take up too much of the chair. T is a little guy, very muscular but definitely a lot smaller then I am.

First off he asked about the oncologist, and I ended up calling and making an appointment right there from his office. It took all of about 5 minutes, but I have an appointment now.

We talked about a big presentation I did last week, and how I succeeded. He mentioned again how different I am off of medication. (um, yea, I’m awake for one!) I talked a lot about my ever increasing anxiety and lack of self-confidence. I expressed my frustration about my inability to control my body (the sweating, the stuttering, and the hand wringing). I did control my “tapping” thing just for him. Lol. I haven’t been trying to control it any other time though. (normal people can’t tell that I am tapping, so why is it bad?)

I talked a lot. I ranted and vented about mother. Finally I brought up my weight issues and how difficult that is for me. We talked about diet and exercise, and I told him what I eat and how it doesn’t really regulate my weight very well. (My weight fluctuates up and down by about 50lbs, I am in the middle of that right now.) After a long conversation he told me that when I went residential he wanted me to get an eating disorder evaluation. That pissed me off, and I said “haven’t you heard what I’ve just told you, I eat really healthy”. He said I have “food issues” and my obsession with diet isn’t normal. Arg.

He does think I am huge and repulsive. Feeling pretty much like crap now, I should have never brought up my size.

It was all good other then that part.